23 Funny Things Americans Are Thankful For This Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving - it's the day we all take the time to express the things we're thankful for. As Americans, we have quite a bit to be thankful for this year. Here are some of those things:

1. Never having slept with Charlie Sheen.

2. That we have e-cigarettes and man buns to identify the A-holes.

3. We weren't standing in front of Brian Williams' nose when he was telling stories.

4. Laughter. Or Donald Trump. Same difference.

5. Oversized belt buckles to protect us from the wrath of Ben Carson.

6. Having stayed lucid enough to call a friend after sharing a drink with Bill Cosby.

7. Only having to tolerate incessant "The Force Awakens" promos for the final month of 2015.

8. FaceTime, so we know the person we're talking to isn't naked or on the crapper.

9. That it's almost time to experience the fun of rushing into Target and braining an unsuspecting grandmother with a discounted Xbox.

10. That the NFL once again decided to give Thanksgiving games to awesome teams like the Eagles and Lions.

11. Being subjected to relentless Christmas music since October doesn't make anyone feel the least bit suicidal.

12. Not being revealed in the Ashley Madison hack.

13. Selfie sticks. But only because they can be taken from the owner and then used to hit them repeatedly with it.

14. There's a new "Star Wars" movie but no Jar-Jar.

15. At some point, it's gotta be McRib season again!

16. Elastic waistbands.

17. Pizza restaurant chains are constantly finding newer and better ways to make all of us fat.

18. Being worried that we wouldn't know what to get mom for Christmas, and then Adele put out a new album.

19. Based on Walmart customers . . . bacon.

20. Being able to clear web browsing history. Okay, that's probably more for American males.

21. Hours and hours of free comedy being provided by the presidential candidates.

22. Having Donald Trump in the news makes it easier to deal with racist uncles at Thanksgiving.

23. Like every Thanksgiving, not being a turkey.