Those of you who have read my reviews know I’m pretty easy to please. I can suspend disbelief pretty easily and enjoy most movies for what they are (usually just a 90 minute distraction). After seeing thousands and thousands of films, there are less than a dozen that I hate. I HATED SPLICE.
This review contains spoilers, so if you want to watch it, go away now, but I have to explain how ridiculous this movie is.
Basically these asshole scientists are mucking around with DNA. The result is this Rat/Bat/Girl who evolves rather quickly. Evidentally the creature is so damn beautiful that Adrian Brody just has to have sex with it (gross scene because the creature has these weird kangaroo or bird legs or something). Brody later blames the sex on his girlfriend because she mixed some of her dna in the mix. BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE! At some point the creature evolves into a male, and has sex with the female scientist too. Now this last part I missed because I fell asleep.
Seriously, the movie is “We created a new life form, let’s f@ck it”.
Oh yeah, Adrian Brody even does an awkward white boy dance with the creature which is probably the single most regrettable moment in his career (even worse than banging a mutant).
This movie made we want to take my eyes out with a melon-baller, then have electro-shock to erase it from my brain. It made me want to kill small animals and urinate on a wedding cake. Yes, just random acts of assholeness…that’s what you get from watching “Splice”.
I’m pretty sure I could resist having sex with what-ever-the-hell this thing is.
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