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Man Uses Obituary to Confess His Deeds

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(Photo by Christopher Furlong/Getty Images)

Before Val Patterson passed away on July 10, he wrote out his obituary. Following in the footsteps of others who have penned their own words, it starts out normally enough, telling about his upbringing, his likes, his family, and his wife, but then things get a little strange. He starts confessing his past indiscretions to the public.

Patterson apparently felt the need to clear the air before he went six feet under, writing:

As it turns out, I AM the guy who stole the safe from the Motor View Drive Inn back in June, 1971. I could have left that unsaid, but I wanted to get it off my chest. Also, I really am NOT a PhD. What happened was that the day I went to pay off my college student loan at the U of U, the girl working there put my receipt into the wrong stack, and two weeks later, a PhD diploma came in the mail. I didn’t even graduate, I only had about 3 years of college credit. In fact, I never did even learn what the letters ‘PhD’ even stood for.

His wife has confirmed that the confessions are indeed factual, but his next statements seemed to be set aside simply for laughs. After all, I haven’t heard of Old Faithful being messed with:

Now to that really mean Park Ranger; after all, it was me that rolled those rocks into your geyser and ruined it. I did notice a few years later that you did get Old Faithful working again. To Disneyland – you can now throw away that ‘Banned for Life’ file you have on me, I’m not a problem anymore – and SeaWorld San Diego, too, if you read this.

Patterson passed away after a battle with throat cancer, and he speaks out about that later in the obituary, stating that he shouldn’t have smoked and that he’s robbed his wife of time. He wrote a well-rounded statement overall, showing his humor, his love, and human fragility.

If you knew you were going to die, would you write your own message? Would you make it funny or just state the facts?

[Salt Lake City Tribune]

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