Hogwash! Pork Shortages Prediction Is Surely Overblown…I Hope
News Flash! Dateline-CBS News September 25, 2012-Britain’s National Pig Association warns global pork shortage unavoidable!
Can this be true? How did this happen? Is it a conspiracy?
This bacon shortage business has me worried. What are we going to do if we run out of bacon? I subscribe to the notion that bacon makes everything better. For that matter, all things pork makes everything better. This could well be a sign of the aporkcalypse!
Can you even fathom a Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner without a ham? Pork and beans without the pork? What about our cherished German communities at Windthorst, Scotland and Muenster? What’s an Oktoberfest without German sausage? Cultural chaos is at hand!
This is a matter of great national pride and importance here in The Republic. It’s also an issue for the rest of America as well. The drought our nation has suffered has caused corn and soybean futures to rise which may put the kibosh on hog production across the nation!
And what has been the government’s response? Silence! It’s as if they could care less about our needs! The Kansas City and North Carolina bar-b-que industry may well collapse! Hundreds, perhaps thousands more added to the unemployment rolls! I can hear the panic in Les Nesman’s voice right now! Hunger may ravage our land!
I, for one, will not be caught off guard. The family and I have already begun taking counter measures: stocking up on bacon, breakfast sausage, German sausage and ham. And I don’t care what Michelle Obama says! Tofu ham ain’t the same! Tastes like paint flavored cardboard seasoned with old sock sweat. And no, Spam isn’t a suitable substitute! I’m not sure it even has meat in it. Don’t believe me? Ask anyone who served in the army during Korea or Vietnam.
We must take action America! Perhaps we should all abandon those useless backyard flower gardens and turn them into hog farms ASAP! Bacon lovers--unite!