Name: Allie the Asphyxiator (pictured right)

Location: The 'special accommodations needed' aisle on the airplane.

Occupation: Paperweight.

Hobbies: Running, doing jumping jacks, carrying stuff for people (see above).

3 Things She Can’t Live Without: Anodized steel sports bras, lycra, Aleve.

Skills: Clapping with her arms behind her back, anchoring ships in a storm.

Her Motto: “Can you hold these for a second?"

HEY, GUYS! This is not a real profile. It was made up for the sheer entertainment that comes from browsing through pictures of, well, hot messes.